I feel differently.

When I first heard those words, I didnt know what they meant exactly. I could assume what context they were intended just by looking into her face, but I didnt know what they meant. I didnt know where they came from. I didnt know what Id done wrong, or if I had done something wrong, or what had changed but here they were out in the open. Here were those words just hanging in the air.

Everything that followed those words made me question my future for the first time. Ever. Everything that followed those words just twisted me more and more, made me wish I wasnt even in my own skin. Everything that followed those words made me wonder if Id made the right decision, and hadnt wasted so many years of my life. Everything had seemed to clear before. Everything seemed to make sense before.

Before. That seems like so long ago. Before is what Id been trying to reach for, trying to get back. Before is gone now. Before is in the past. Before is why I smile more looking back, than I do looking forward.

Ive had a lot of time for thinking. Ive had a lot of time for trying to sort through what (and who) I want. I, much like her, dont want to just walk away from what weve built. I honestly dont want to walk away. Yet. Something has happened though. Even with the confusion and even with the emotional whirlwind I was thrust into; something has happened.

I understand.

I still dont understand whats going on or why, but I finally understand those words. I finally understand what they mean. I understand now, because those words have begun echoing in my head. Those words play over and over when I look at her. Those words play over and over when her words dont match her actions, when she tells me what she wants. Those words play over and over.

I feel differently.


Its been a long time, old friend… a long time. I never really thought Id be away this long… but like some old friends, you grow apart and begin to rely on other things. Here I am though, after so many years. I hope Im not imposing, or have come at a bad time; and that Im still welcome. I just dont know where else to go. I dont have as many avenues to get out what I need, or want to, get out as I thought I did… so here I am.

Im a little lost, a little unsure. I thought I was headed in one direction; a good direction that lead to somewhere better, to somewhere she and I wanted to be. But now, I find myself standing around… wondering where I am, how I got so lost and where Im supposed to go now. Im finding myself, like she did, wanting things to go back to the way they were, but I think our definitions of that are different. I find myself anxious, frustrated, confused, frightened and, in a small way, alone. Im not alone, I know that, I know that very well… but that doesnt stop the feeling that I am. I never wanted to be this type of person. I never wanted to be, or even imagined Id be, this type of person. The type of person who would so heavily rely on someone else… and with that, become someone so goddamn needy.

Things have changed, I know that. I cant honestly say theyve changed for the better, I cant. I can say they havent changed for the worse. Its like everything, at least to me, is stuck in this gray area where theres no clear path to get me back to where I want to be, to where she wants me to be. It seems so clear to her, and I envy that. I envy a lot of things. I understand her “need”┬áto do things partly because of some sense that her age is catching up to her. I feel the same way, probably more so than her… and I hoped wed be on a similar path, a path together, to keep moving forward.

All I feel now is that while we are moving forward, Im just a couple steps behind, watching her move forward without me. I keep reaching, hoping I can catch up… hoping that by the time I do catch up, that Im not stuck in the back of a crowd that are moving forward with her. I want to be beside her, moving forward, with the crowd moving forward around us… not at the back of it, waving my arms, trying to get her… someone… anyone… to notice that Im still relevant.

I want her to understand where I am, where I feel like I am and how badly I want to be part of the whole picture. I dont have to be the only one on the picture with her, but I do want to be a big part of it, a part she still needs, or wants.