Habitualchaos

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J (2:16pm): I am away from my website right now... gonna be in Cleveland to relax and hang w/ friends. Please leave a message.

Im sitting here. Im sitting here and, as of yet, havent heard anything about my status with Gund Arena I would be biting my fingernails with nervousness... if I didnt already not really have any fingernails from cutting them all the time. It kind of lessens the effect... since I cant say Im sitting here biting my nails. Well I could say it anyway... but thats been ruined by me telling you I dont really have any. Nevermind.

This is excurciating really. My brains working prolly a little too much at this point... trying to factor in reasons I havent heard anything.

One reason being: maybe they already made their decision and took the other guy/girl and are just waiting a day or two to give me the let down? Or better yet: they really want to take me, but my brash sense of honesty freaked someone out so that its making the decision harder? Or even better: my brash sense of honesty just totally scared someone to the point theyre trying to find cause enough to turn me over to the authorities?

Ive even thought about the likelyhood they dont like the distance I suggested Id be driving to go to work everyday, considering itd be 1.5 hours each way... when I had planned on taking the drive for a few days and then making a decision on whether Id just move or not.

I dont know... the wait has been playing some tricks on my overactive imagination, feeding me all these scenarios to explain this. Its not even that theyre taking longer than they said. They said a week or so... but considering what Ive been through getting to this point, the let down from not getting the OU gig comes back fresh in my mind.

Am I overreacting? Maybe. Am I turning this into more than it should? Prolly. Should I just sit down, shut up and wait? More than likely. There are those times being a somewhat paranoid worry-wart... is not a good thing.

Actually being a somewhat paranoid worry-wart is never a good thing... but I wanted to give myself a little credit.

As of this moment, that being 2:12AM on March 6th 2003, I have just finished watching all 43 episodes of my 6-disc set of the complete series of Sports Night. More specifically, I just finished watching the last 3 episodes on disc 6... there by signifying watching the entire set.

I must admit that when the show was actually on the air, from 1998 to 2000... I didnt watch it on a regular basis. I dont even remember when I first saw it to recognize the reruns that occasionally play on Comedy Central. I can also look past the 6-disc set not having any extras whatsoever... and just containing the 43 episodes of the series.

I do know that anyone that doesnt recognize the show, or never watched it at all... is just a few steps below me on the intellectual ladder. And considering how low I am already on that ladder... doesnt look good for any of you.

I am willing to look past that though, if you do 1 of 2 things... 1) run to ur local [insert dept store name here] and buy the set urself, or 2) come on over to my place and borrow my set.

I dont think youll regret being able to watch the show, or enjoying it... but remember if you do regret either of those, ur already a few fries short of a happy meal... so it prolly wont go against you in the long run.

This proud moment is also trumped by the fact I finished watching my 4-disc set of the first season of The Shield last week sometime. Another example of something anyone should be ashamed if they dont recognize. Im ashamed I dont remember the actual date... but Im getting old, so I have an excuse... albeit a bad one.

Now I think of it, there is a 3rd choice I didnt think of before... that being you could stop at my place and we can watch Sports Night and The Shield together. Mostly cause theyre great shows... but also cause I could use the company... and I have snacks.

Anyone have a life I could borrow? Doesnt have to be overly exciting or anything?! I'll give it back eventually... really I will.

Ever since this whole Gund Arena got interesting and I went through my 2nd interview... I was asked on a daily basis if Id heard anything, which is common for people who care about you to ask.

When I got down with the 2nd interview, I was told Id find out either way it went in from a week to a week and a halfs time. Considering they got back to me about the 2nd interview in only three days... I figured, or more to the point hoped, they would get back to me sooner than they said. Didnt quite work out that way though... as you can tell by my "brain overdrive" post (2 down), the wait wasnt all it was cracked up to be... given my head was playing tricks on me.

When Friday came along, I decided to take the advice of those around me... and was gonna call to see how everything was going since the week and a half estimated wait was up. I ran out to pick something up from a freelance clients office... and planned on calling when I got back home. Arriving back at my apartment building, I checked my mail... and thats when I first spotted the letter with a return address from Gund Arena.

I almost dropped to my knees right there in the hallway... because every experience Ive had with letters since my layoff has not been a good one. This time was no different... ur basic form letter with that cookie cutter standard paragraph about "thanks for applying, but we chose someone who best meets the requirements for the job" kinda thing.

I didnt realize it at the time, must just have been an overflow of everything... but I started crying with the words "not again" ringing through my head. I couldnt believe it... this made twice I was fooled into thinking this was my payoff for everything... finding a good job I would have loved to work, and then having it taken away. I just couldnt believe it was happening again. I was so pissed off at the time... I ran through the same mindset when I didnt get the OU gig... telling myself fuck them, its their loss. Whether I believed it or not... I still said it.

Even now its a little surreal to me. I even called them back to ask the HR guy I was in contact with... to ask if there was anything I might have done wrong in the interview... like perhaps my brash sense of honesty had actually bitten me in the ass. I actually did take some mild comfort in the fact it was purely an experience issue... the guy they chose just had more than me. Might seem weird to think I would take some comfort in that... but when ur brain is running a million miles a second, making you think it was something you did wrong... knowing it wasnt anything you did wrong, felt a little better.

Even my Giant Eagle mifdnight stock career was put on hold through this Gund Arena thing. Given the possible commute or moving closer to Cleveland if I got it... the HR person at GE, a former relative of mine, opted to go on without me till I found out about Gund.

And now, just as before with OU, I brush myself off and keep going. Now I just keep doing what I was doing... barely scraping by and looking for work. Least I have my health... right?

Its been a long time... a long time indeed. A little over two years to be somewhat precise... but the day has finally come. I am proud to announce there is a new addition to my family... my family of tattoos that is.

Not exactly sure what the occasion was that got me to this newest member. It was Friday, shortly after I found out about not getting the Gund Arena gig. I had just got done talking to my mom, because she had been checking on me daily for any news about the job... and my sister called me and asked what I was doing on Sunday. Kinda an odd question coming from her... but there wasnt anything major going on, I was just gonna do my weekly thing of doing laundry at my parents house.

She then asked if I knew what I had wanted for my next tattoo... to which I replied yes, because I had discussed it with her husband, my bro-in-law who does my tattoos. She told me to show up at his shop on Sunday afternoon and hed finally do this thing for me. Like instant pick-me-up on that one... as I had been waiting a while to get my next one.

The one I had discussed with him was a tribal design... but I wanted it to be in a stone-looking (stonework) style and out on my forearm. When I got to his shop, I immediately looked around... just to see if there was something on his walls, that caught my eye... instead of just picking a normal tribal and having him re-draw it in stonework. The one you see in the pic is the one I decided on. Not a lot of my tattoo work has color... so this one worked on that level too with the red in it.

And there you have it... although thats not the end of the story.

Right after getting my new tattoo, I stopped at a local supermarket to pick some stuff for dinner mom was fixing later. I had some other motivation too... as I have been on a quest recently to find somewhere that I could get a 12-pack of Ruby Red Squirt. For some reason, the local stores right around me have stopped carrying it... so I figured since I had to go to the store for dinner stuff anyway... Id check a local one around my parents house. Luckily the place I stopped has some.

Getting into my car, after leaving the store... I just glanced across the street while I was putting everything in the car. I had to do a double take after I looked over there... as there was an odd sign that caught my attention.

The name of the place is actually Tight Seal Glass Block... but from my parking space, there was a telephone pole covering up the G and L of Glass. I didnt even realize it at first... I actually thought for a second or two, that was the actual name of the place... till I leaned my head after noticing the pole.

The worst part was... when I saw it, I didnt have my camera with me. Ive been trying to remind myself recently to start carrying my camera with me all the time... cause there have been more than one occasion lately, that Id see something Id have taken a shot of if I had it. Then I remembered my sister has one... so I rushed over to her house, so I could borrow her camera... to rush back to the supermarket and snap a shot of it.

So... not an entire waste of what might have been a normal, dreery Sunday.

One of the biggest problems with having sleeping habits like mine... is during those wee hours of the morning when all the normal people are alseep, I am usually up thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking... and prolly not when I should be.

Lately Ive actually been having 2nd thoughts about the new apartment I have, for all intensive purposes, taken and am waiting to move into.

You see... for all this time (to those who dont know, since I got laid off in January of 2002) Ive tried to focus my job hunting to places other than here, other than my home town. Basically because its commonly known that payscales here in Youngstown, OH... arent what they could be elsewhere, like the places Ive been searching in (Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh). The reason Ive limited my search to "local" cities... is all my sisters fault really.

She had to go and have kids... two kids to be specific, both of which I love very much... and would kill you all for, as Ive mentioned on several occasions. I limited my search because I want to be within a reasonable driving distance of them and my family... because I dont want to be the uncle (considering my attachment to them) that only comes around on holidays and birthdays. I want to be a part of their lives right now. As they get older, that might change... but right now, I want to be here and have limited my job search to places relatively close to here.

Im not complaining about limiting my search because of them... quite the contrary, I love them enough to want to stay close.

I have still had to accept the fact of moving a little bit away though... like to Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh to find work where I could at least make a reasonable amount... nothing like being as overpaid as Mike is for his work, just reasonable.

The prospects of moving though... is the main thing that makes me hesitant about this apartment. Should I really consider moving, when at any moment I could be offered a job in one of the cities I just mentioned? I love the place... I wouldnt have taken it if I didnt. Could just be jitters, but Im not sure if its that... or a justified gut feeling telling me I should stay here, just in case?!

Pittsburgh and certain parts of Cleveland arent big factors in this... as they have reasonable driving distances from here. But Columbus is 3 hours from here... and other parts of Cleveland are up to 2 hours. I could move into this place... and have to move out 2 months from now. Im more than willing to take a commute, I took one to the place I was so recently laid off from... but Im talking a reasonable commute. I just dont know whats making me think this way?!

Could it be my over-developed sense of paranoia? Good chance. Could it be a completely justified gut feeling? Maybe so. Could it be that since this place is on the top floor of an old courthouse... Im scared I could see people hanging from rafters, or wandering the hallways like that kid in The Sixth Sense? Possibility.

The pros do outweigh the cons with this place... I just figured if I was gonna try to make something work in this town, I might as well better my surroundings. But no matter how much this place has going for it... Im still thinking, thinking, thinking. I want to invest in an on/off switch for my brain... so I could just take this place and not worry so much.

Not a good chance of that though. Anyone got any advice? Words of wisdom? Tell me this is a bad idea? The desire to just tell me to shut the fuck up and take the place? Anyone? Anyone?

I must have done something that really pissed God off in the last couple days. I thought it was bad enough one of the wheels broke off my computer chair last night... which now essentially renders it useless. I was wrong though... that wasnt quite bad enough, although I am still extremely pissed off about that.

Right now, at this very moment, I am sitting in the conference room of one of my freelance clients office... at the request of said client, to do some in-house work for today. Thats not the bad part, believe me... I know better than to trash-talk a client while Im sitting in his own office. Oh who am I kidding... if he deserved it, Id do it while he was sitting in the room.

The bad part, I was so recently elluding too... is that for my task of some in-house work today, I am being forced to use his Powerbook G4 to do said work. The reason its bad, is because I want one of these so bad... its taking all my restraint not to walk out with it.

Well not really, I think I know better than to do that... cause Im pretty sure he can run faster than me. Course one real serious concern here... is the high likelyhood Im gonna drool all over this thing.

Be strong... be strong. I am a rock, I am a rock... albeit a really small, soft one.

Been a week since Ive said (or typed really) anything. Not because of any specific reason, or lack of something to say... just ended up I havent said anything since last Wednesday.

In light of that, I thought it a perfect opportunity to share a few thoughts... instead of just one long, drawn out one.

1. One of the thing that has always bothered me about maintaining a professional front... is the limited amount of things I can really talk about concerning my freelance work. Its not that I cant complain about things related to that... it boils down to that big, ugly word "unprofessional" when it comes to stuff like this. I realize the importance of being professional, I always have... otherwise youd see a lot more bitching than I already do. Most often though, it is things directly related to my freelance work that rub me the wrong way... and on most occasions, I shouldnt say anything; because its "unprofessional" to do so. Eh... I hate being responsible.

2. Despite advice to the contrary, I am staying here in Youngstown for right now... and am taking that apartment. There is enough work to get me by... and get my foot in the door to learn some new shit along the way. That work and my family is enough to make this a good decision. I may also decide to go back to school sometime anyway... so the proposed "any other" career I was advised towards could be a reality. Would you like to try our new Chicken Grilled Stuft Burrito... only $1.99 for a limited time?

3. A few years ago, I was diagnosed as having astygmatism in both my eyes... and as such, was prescribed glasses to wear. Despite the fact I dont actually wear them as often as I prolly should... I think my eyes are getting worse, and I need new glasses anyway.

4. There are times (a lot of them actually) when I really wonder what itd be like to have someone (preferably a woman) to hold and tell me its gonna be alright someday... and envy anyone who has that now.

This concludes the newest set of random thoughts... we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.