Habitualchaos

Wow... almost another week between posts. Im beginning to think my life has taken a downturn to not have anything to say for a week. And considering the shear dullness that my life normally incorporates... a downturn could be catastrophic; to all of us.

On the bright side, my normal work week of putting off freelance work in light of movies, TV and video games... is about to take a slight hit; albeit I think its a good hit. Or at least I hope its gonna be a good hit.

Ive struck a deal with one of my freelance clients... to come into his office and work on-site two days a week, Thursday and Friday to be exact. We had been discussing this kind of arrangement for a little while now... but just finally came to terms, considering the workload he has. It gets me in there to be able to get almost immediate feedback for the stuff I do... which is much better than doing the work at home, emailing it to them and then waiting a day or two for feedback.

Plus it gets me out of the apartment during daylight hours... which for anyone that knows me, knows is a near impossibility doing it on my own. It also works out for me as far as money goes. Considering that Im doing on-site freelance work... means I get more money for less work. Two days a week makes me a decent amount of money to live on... even some extra to be able to put away money for my taxes, which I wasnt able to do before.

Its by no means making wads and wads of cash... but its good enough for now to keep me going somewhat nicely. A fact thatll work out good since Im moving in a few days.

Im kinds excited over what this could do for me... it has the potential to work out very good for me, which is better than a lot of my options before. The paranoid side of me though is keeping me grounded with the reality of this too... so its safe to say Im not putting any blind faith in this as the perfect solution.

Ive been able to smile at my immediate future though, and its been a little bit since I could do that, or thought I could.

I havent been one to mention this before, as its hard to talk about... but I have something in my past that Im not proud of. I dont know what came over me, I didnt mean to hurt anyone... it just happened.

All I do know is the Japanese people have never been the same...

Well, the move is complete... I am now the occupant of said 3rd floor courthouse belltower suite. It took surprisingly less time than I thought it would to get me in there... obviously to the everlasting joy of everyone involved in helping me.

Theres only two immediate drawbacks to this place:

1) a situation involving my internet connection and the historical landmark status of the courthouse I now reside in... that has resulted in me getting my online status back Thursday morning instead of this morning. I never quite realized how lonely it is... when I dont have a phone (yet), no cable TV and no internet connection to run AIM all the time.

2) just last week, I was called to come down to Columbus to go for an interview at a place called SBC Advertising... which could potentially shorten my stay in the courthouse to just under a month, depending on when I hear anything after the interview.

I chose to move anyway, despite the call from Columbus... just in case I dont get the job, because I didnt wanna have to miss out on this apartment (even despite my jitters) because I didnt take it now. A situation that would have been mucked up by signing a new lease obviously... but thats only if my new landlord asked me to sign one, which he didnt.

Considering those two drawbacks, and a day and halfs worth case of the before mentioned jitters (also referred to as buyers regret by a friend)... things have gone relatively smoothly. I will be living out of my boxes for the time being, as it wouldnt be a good idea to unpack everything and then possibly have to pack it all back up in a few weeks.

Thursdays only a few days away... I think I can wait, I think so.

Well right after I type this, shut down my computer and run down my last minute "what did I forget" checklist... I will be on my way to Columbus for my interview tomorrow with SBC Advertising.

Im nervous... Im excited... Im nervous... and I am looking forward to this. I think Ive adequately prepared for this... but I wont know for sure till my eomtional state walking out of their building tomorrow afternoon.

I got just about everything crossed.

Well... its a very long and weird story, but the short version is that SBC Advertising has decided to not pursue the position they were offering. Basially, over the weekend... the people in their interactive division just changed their minds about hiring someone.

Im only a little disappointed in that fact, its just the process I took to get there that bugs me... but thats a story for another time. One other place I had interviewed has decided to put their open position "on hold"... so Im down two good leads for the moment.

The good news is one of my freelance clients decided to offer me a part time position with his company. It might not be much and its really only a 90-day experiment to see how things would go, but its definitely a start just to get me something while Im still looking.

With that though, Ive been thinking about a very tough decision. That decision involves going back home temporarily... home as in back with my parents. My biggest fear all this time, is that I have no safety net, nothing in case this freelance disappears someday... I drained my savings at the end of last year and some of this, so I could stay afloat; just to barely get by.

Honestly, Im sick of just getting by... scratching and scraping to make ends meet, not having any money saved up for my taxes and such. Taking a little pressure off might be exactly what I need to refocus myself. And its not gonna be some vacation anyway... my pride has taken some nasty shots already this entire time, taking one like this is mild especially when it can get me back to some kind of order.

This is actually my parents idea, and they did have one condition... that I not get too comfortable. Theyre only offering this as a temporary solution... one to just get back on track and move on.

I know Im just begging for some ridicule even mentioning Im thinking about this this... considering there are so many out there who think they know what I should do. Doesnt matter to me.. ur not living my life in the first place.

Im actually asking for some... I got no more pride left to spare on you, throw some my way if you got nothing better to do.

The day has been set... Ive already informed my new landlord that I have to leave. Of course I made something up about losing a freelance client, and I couldnt afford the place anymore as my reason for leaving.

He took it very well... wished me luck and even expressed some disappointment that I was leaving, since I was the kind of tenant he preferred. That being a mature (little did he know I was faking that), non-smoker who likes peace and quiet. The kid who previously had the place before me... was your typical early 20's party animal, and pretty much trashed the place when he was there.

Next Sunday (the 27th) is the day... Ive got around the same people I had to help me move in to come back and help me leave. Of course I got the moans and groans about helping me move out... but even I have those considering the steps we had to climb to get me in there.

Then its back to mommy and daddys for a little bit. Clear my head, take some pressure off, save some money... and take some steps (Ive already got some ideas) to get my life back.

I havent worked out the details yet... but I have some ideas that will work depending on what happens in the next few weeks. Im still a little queezy about the decision overall... but if some of these ideas I have start to work, this could end up actually being a little exciting.

Just like when I left for Columbus... I got just about everything crossed. Its time I stop beating myself up for the mistakes Ive made, and start concentrating on what Im gonna do to change this situation.

May only take a few months, make take a year or a little over that... but Im coming back strong muthafucka, or at least Im hoping I will. I could be eating these words in the same amount of time... time will tell.

Ever since my decision to go home temporarily... Ive been thinking a lot. Thinking about my plan (and I do have one)... thinking about what Im leaving for now... thinking about other changes to my life, etc.

Most of the time, thinking is my problem though. When I get to thinking is when I revert to my normal self... the self-loathing, self-pitying, living in the past, big-headed bastard that I am. When I just let go is when Im at my best... but I cant escape the thinking, because its also gonna help me get out of this mess thats been the last year.

As Ive been thinking though... I can look back on this, having one major regret. I have others, just like everyone (well most everyone), but as Ive been thinking, there is one big one.

That regret being; if I would have done this when I first got laid off, if I would have went home to save money and get the experience I dont have (my current plan)... that Gund Arena job I interviewed for a couple months ago, would have been mine.

I was so dead set on getting my career back while it was still fresh, and with the safety net of the unemplyment... it didnt even occur to me to do something like this.

In that regard, I can actually look at moving into this apartment (thats caused me so much trouble) as a blessing in disguise. The problems here, and the subsequent decision to move home... got me to where I need to be, and to the real steps I need to take to get my life back.

Now if only I could just take the belltower with me?!