Habitualchaos

Its weird sometimes; I didnt even realize it had been 11 days since the last post I did. It just hadnt registered that much time had passed. I honestly feel like its been around a week since my little religious rant.

Which, of course, while Im here I might as well get something out of the way. For the record, I wasnt trying to lump all Christians into the same group... like they all think like Jimmy Swaggart. Ive had two people though mention to me that "not all Christians are that way."

I know that, I know full well there are many, many good God fearing people out there. Jimmy Swaggarts a piece of shit, a large pile of human waste that is taking up a lot of air the rest of us could have, apology or not. But in my humble journies, if you "walk the walk" as far as religious beliefs go; and I mean truly walk it then you are still someone I was referring to... even if you dont share Mr. Swaggarts mindset.

People who completely (and blindly) believe the teachings of a lot of religions out there (like Swaggarts congregation) still believe the gay lifestyle is wrong, shun people who live it and put gay people at close to the top of the sinners pile. I dont agree with that... and I'll be honest, it took knowing a gay person for me to really know that, although I may not understand or relate to that lifestyle, its not (nearly) enough for me to give up my friends, and I accept them for whoever they are... because Id want them to do the same for me.

Im not lumping all Christians together. I know some very decent and good people who still believe. I was merely, while hastily venting, trying to express the way Jimmy Swaggart thinks and the way I was taught to think in my later religious life, although not nearly as extreme as what that man said, influenced me to not be a "practicing" Christian anymore.

And, it wasnt really what Jimmy Swaggart said that got to me. What he said pissed me off, no doubt... but it was something else that sunk it deep to me.

That something else, was that after he said what he said... his congregation clapped and cheered.

Tonight, I felt like I was walking around in a haze; in a dream. Not depression exactly, just a numb feeling.

It hits me every now and then, that numb feeling... a feeling like Im not in my own skin; emotionless to a point. I went to Borders tonight, just to get out of the house; and on my drives there and back, I dont think I made a single facial expression. I just sat there.

Its always an odd situation, I dont know why I feel this way sometimes... but its always a struggle. Its not like Im bad off or anything, so many things in my life could be worse... but they arent; like I said, its not like Im bad off.

Thats where the struggle lies. I feel so empty at times like this, like Im here but Im not. Not exactly depression, as I said... lost maybe; a shell. But when I feel this way, part of me gets pissed off and says "what gives you the right to feel this way, who the fuck are you to feel like this?"

Its almost like a roulette wheel with a piece missing, and occasionally with that spin... that empty spot comes around. Weekends are usually when this hits me. During the week, I have work and different things to keep me occupied... weekends leave me more time to notice that piece missing.

Words to explain it are tough to drum up. Sufficed to say, I guess I just needed to say something; whether coherent or not. Id say I feel like I lump of shit, but not only is my brain saying I dont have the right to say that... I just dont feel right now; much of anything.

Itll pass, it always does... but right now, Im not really here.

Haziness gone for now, just as predicted... but now I got a song stuck in my head. Dunno why it popped in, but Im sure some are familiar with it...

On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese. I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table, it rolled on the floor,
And then my poor meatball rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden and under a bush,
And then my poor meatball was nothing but mush.

The mush was as tasty as tasty could be,
And early next summer it grew to a tree.

The tree was all covered with beautiful moss.
It grew great big meatballs and tomato sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti all covered with cheese,
Hold on to your meatball and don't ever sneeze.

Goddamnit.