Habitualchaos

Im not sure where to begin, really. Anyone who visits this site on a remotely regular basis, or anyone who really knows me, knows my struggle with never having had a relationship before... its something that痴 plagued me for a long time. Always wondering what was wrong with me that made me seemingly so undesirable to the opposite sex... always wondering if Id ever find someone... always being envious of friends who were in relationships and the things they took for granted.

But all those feelings, all that doubt and all that uncertainty has been replaced with something I never thought Id experience... romantic happiness.

A few months ago, I signed up with Match.com and posted a personal� and before you ask, aint no way Im providing a link or telling any of you my username. I went a month or two, doing little searches and "winking" at women I found interesting... and vice versa, getting the occasional "wink" sent my way as well. I even began conversing with a couple ladies, that had either "winked" at me or Id "winked" at... but none of them really panned out at first; till (obviously) the last one.

Her name is Jenn. Officially, she "winked" at me... although I must admit that if Id run across her in my searches, Id have done the same to her. Shes 23, intelligent, caring, funny, doesn稚 take my sarcastic crap (or throws it right back, bonus)... and best of all, shes interested in me!

We started talking over email at first... moving eventually (although not quickly if you asked her) to AIM, and after 33 odd years (actually only a month after the AIM started, but she always jokes it might as well have been 30 some years to her) we finally met. We spent 7 hours together, that night, in a conversation that spanned: a bottle of water and iced melon green tea at Panera (for about 3 hours), and water and buffalo chicken tenders at Dennys (for the remaining 4).

We started spending quite a bit of time together, and after a bit of time, made it official.

It痴 a weird feeling sometimes, there are times I think I should pinch myself. After all the time I spent wallowing and wondering if Id ever know the feeling Id always seen in others� I finally know what its like, I finally know some happiness. Its been like a dream almost... its hard to describe, really. This, of course, isn稚 the end-all, be-all of my existence... but it痴 a pretty big hole that痴 finally been filled with something other than doubt and anger.

It feels good. Feels good to see her smiling face... feels good to spend time with her... feels good that she gets along with my family and friends (a big thing for me)... feels good that her friends and family like me... feels good to know someone out there cares about me that way... feels good that I can feel that way about someone now... feels good to have a sex life I can actually talk about, and it be true.

Sure, we have our differences and our quirks... but any relationship that doesn稚 have those, is a fairy tale. Her quirks bug me sometimes, just as much as mine do her... but it feels great, just as Ive seen in others, that we get around them and just come back to the core, caring about each other.

The good, the bad and all the in between... I will take it all, because this just feels real good all around.

I should be in California right now. I should be standing on the beach at Point Reyes right now, watching my best friend get married. And the reason Im not disgusts me, the reason Im not shouldnt have been such a concern to me, considering the circumstances... but unfortunately it was. That reason being, what makes the world go around... money. I didnt have the money... or more to the point, I did (technically) have it, but decided I couldnt really justify spending it; and thats what disgusts me.

This is my best friends wedding... one of only a couple people I completely trust on this planet. Even though he assured me it was perfectly fine I couldnt make it because of finances, that he didnt really expect me to spend that kind of money (what would have prolly been an easy $800-$900 total) for a half-hour ceremony and whatever else... Ive been having such a hard time accepting that I decided not to go.

I wanted to go, I really wanted to go... but I didnt, goddamnit.

He knows Im there in spirit, he said so... and I am there in spirit, for what is prolly the beginning of a whole new chapter in his life. But I wanted so badly to be there in person, I wanted to be there and give him and his lovely bride a hug after watching them start this journey.

But Im not there in person, and I fucking hate that Im not.

I said it in an email, John... and Im gonna say it here, for however many other people to see. I want to send out, from the absolute core of my being, a heartfelt congratulations to you and Kelly. I love you both and am right there with you, in spirit, for this new part of your lives. I cant wait to see you both, to give you the hug I should be giving you today.

Congratulations, my friend... you both deserve nothing less than the best.

One of the girls at a local Shell gas station, my usual stop for some after-lunch refreshment, proposed to me that we contact the (I assume, or hope) nice people at Starbucks.

We should tell them, not only should they make their (limited edition) Mint Mocha Frappuccino a permanent addition to their flavors... but they should use that flavor to introduce, and market a brand new Colassal 1-liter size to help spread that oh-so minty goodness; or at least extend the enjoyment of people like me and my sister-in-mint over at the Shell station.

The last bit of our short conversation, I suggested she start a petition to try and persuade the Starbucks Gods to grant us our wish. I told her I was right behind her, and I go back to work to start practicing to forge signatures, so we could get a decent start.

Ive got mine down, so thats 1 sig... and of course, I am a graphic designer with some scanned sigs of important (or some anyway) people around the community.

Whos with me?